Kristen Stewart is to Star in A New Romantic Remake of 1984

Kristen Stewart and Nicholas Hoult are to star in a romantic remake of that classic love story we all know and love, 1984. It’s going to be called Equals.

I repeat: the girl from Twilight and the About a Boy boy are to star in a movie which reimagines 1984.

‘I can’t believe I agreed to do it,’ Stewart said of her upcoming role. Neither can we, Kristen. Neither can we.Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell

This is wrong, folks, sick and wrong. This news offends me, in so many ways. Let me count them.

1. 1984 is not a love story, people. It’s a dystopian, hellish vision of a possible future, in which an all-powerful, all-seeing dictatorship controls our thoughts, our minds and our every waking (and sleeping) moment.

2. You may remember Kristen Stewart’s miserable, pouty mug from such crimes against the film industry as Twilight 1, 2, 3, 4 (part 1), and 4 (part 2).

3. You may remember the About a Boy boy from such romantic comedies as About a Boy. And, er, nothing else, ever.

Equals will be an adaptation of the previous adaptation of the book. Let the fact that it is two times removed from the original thing console us.

This is a difficult time for us all. Let these quotes from 1984 – the real deal – soothe our tattered nerves:

1. ‘Perhaps a lunatic was simply a minority of one.’

We must find it in our hearts to accept that sometimes, that minority just happens to be in possession of a production company.

2. ‘We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them.’

In this case, the enemy would be literature, and everything we hold dear about it.

3. ‘The consequences of every act are included in the act itself.’

If that is true, Orwell, then the end is nigh.

4. ‘It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words.’

Is it? Is it?!

5. ‘If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—for ever.’

Imagine, if you will, that the boot is this film and the human face is, well, a human face.

Amen.

Hitler

It will be worse than Hitler.

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